I’m not a really macho dude. I was raised from the age of 12 by my Mom. I don’t give a shit about cars except that I like them to look pretty. If something breaks around the house, I go directly to my toolbox, which is where I keep the Yellow Pages, so I can look up someone who can fix-it. I don’t like Kung-Fu movies and I’ve never been hunting. If you like to do these things, more power to you, but I don’t have any interest. Truthfully, if it wasn’t for sports and poontang, I would wonder if I shouldn’t be the lead in a Broadway musical.
Considering that I’m not the most macho guy, I thought I should sit down and come up with a list of things that do make me feel like a real man. Here they are.
- Eating at a Brazilian steakhouse. If you haven’t been to one of these Roman orgies of meat, the waiters walk around offering up a skewers of incredibly delicious steak, pork, etc. Your only duty at a place like this is to gorge yourself as much as possible. If you can manage to take a dump in the next 3 days, you haven’t done your artery-clogging best. I saw a woman at one of these places the last time I was there and I just thought, you are wasting your money. Why don’t you go to some bistro?
- Listening to Black Sabbath. Women can like metal. Women can like goth. Women can like Ozzy’s solo stuff. Any chick though that is rocking War Pigs or N.I.B. needs to get some therapy because this is music meant for people with balls.
- Watching The Shield. Now I’m not going to say that women can’t enjoy this show, but it takes a man to really understand why these guys behave the way they do. Women watch the Vic and the boys and watch in fascination of how they can behave the way they do. For women it’s like watching gorillas on the Animal Planet. For men, it’s more like seeing the darkest impulses of our nature.
- Reading a Chuck Palahniuk books. Fight Club is a fantasy piece for men who no longer have jobs that they can feel any physical fulfillment from. Palahniuk’s novels are like a modern day version of the Western, which feature loners who don’t have much interest in societel norms. The books are even better on tape, as Palahniuk voice offers an extra quality. (See also James Ellroy.)
- Going to a college football game as an alumni. I’ve been to every major sporting event you can think, including the Super Bowl. There is a something special that I feel at a college football game that you don’t get at other events. The band, the rivalries, the whole spectre is like the movie Gladiator, just without the sandals.
- Porn. You know those billboards that say Real Men don’t use porn. That is some Promise Keepers bullshit invented by some Ted Haggard hypocrite. News flash: Men are visual creatures. We like Tits and Ass. If you don’t like porn, ladies, then just let us abuse it on our time and don’t snoop around trying to find it.
- Fantasy Sports. I know it’s not for everybody, but who it definitely isn’t for is women. There are very few men who will ever have the opportunity to run a sports franchise, so the best we can do is sit around like dorks dreaming of how we would do it in some fantasy-land bullshit. While fantasy football is more popular, baseball is superior because the stats actually mean something, it includes every position, and you have to keep track of your team everyday. It’s math mixed with sports. Talk about a thing that should turn-off almost any chick on the planet.
- The Ron and Fez Show. There are a lot of radio talkshows that skew towards men, but Ron Bennington is the ultimate host. He’s smart, profane, and embraces being a man. He also is brilliantly funny, which being on satellite radio only improves.
- Listening to Sam Kinison’s standup. No one expressed the angst and fury that men feel better than one of the greatest comedians of all-time.
- Massage Parlors. Hey women have spa’s, why can’t we have a place which takes our stress away? Talk to women about going to a spa and you will hear them reach a level of orgasmic rapture. Well, we don’t have much of a need for a pedicure or to be exfoliated, but we could always use a handjob. Hey spa, I got your facial. Let’s make the massage parlor the last one, as I like to finish on a happy ending.
Here is the first release in awhile from a band that rocks like a mix of Deep Purple, Zeppelin, and Sabbath. New Moon Rising by Wolfmother.