I was watching a baseball film recently and was thinking, how different would these movies be if they were remade with Barry Bonds playing the title roles? The following are capsule comments of how these classic baseball movies would change.
Babe Ruth Story– Babe (Bonds) promises sick kid in hospital bed that he will hit a homerun for him the next game. Fortunately, Babe (Bonds) had been using anabolic steroids and has the strength to hit a homer to lift the boy’s spirits.
Bad News Bears– Team Manager Buttermaker (Bonds) tells the little leaguers, if they are going to compete with the more talented teams, they are going to have to ‘roid up. Kelly Leak then pulls needles and “juice” out of his motorcycle jacket for the whole team. By the end of the movie,Tanner is the size of a Bronx Little Leaguer.
61– Roger Maris (Bonds) leaves Mickey Mantle in the dust after his trainer (Victor Conte) gives him a magical cream. (This updated vecirsion is titled “73”)
For the Love of the Game– Bonds refuses to do this movie as he doesn’t like the title.
Damn Yankees– Player (Bonds) sells his soul (uses steroids) to be the best baseball player of all-time.
Bingo Long and the Traveling All-Stars and Motor Kings– Tired of slave-like treatment by their team’s owner, Negro League Greats barnstorm across the country. Despite many travails, they play baseball with joy and verve. Barry Bonds joins the cast as a player from the future who wonders why these guys are even trying considering that they’re not gettin’ paid.
The Rookie– High School Baseball Coach Jim Morris (Bonds) promises his team that he will try out for the Major Leagues, if they make the playoffs. When the team fulfills their part of the bargain, magically, Morris (Bonds) does to, making it to the Majors to pitch for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Sadly, in this version, it’s discovered that Morris (Bonds) has succeeded only through his involvement with BALCO.
The Natural– Middle-aged rookie Roy Hobbs is a hitting sensation, using a special bat he had made as a boy from a fallen oak tree. In a twist in the casting, Bonds plays the sportswriter character while the man with the “magical” bat is played by Sammy Sosa.
Bull Durham– Crash Davis (Bonds) gives this love sonnet to Annie Savoy. “I believe in the bicep … lean body mass, the hanging curveball, high fiber, good scotch, that investigative sports stories are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Scott Peterson acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, intentional walks, and I believe in not being drug tested.”
Major League– Wild Thing and his teammates are joined by Barry Bonds who tells them to stay away from his section of the locker room and to NEVER sit in his leather recliner.
Pride of the Yankees– At the tear-jerking finale, Gehrig (Bonds) states to a packed stadium, “Today, I feel like you are the luckiest people on the face of the earth to watch me play.”