The Onion and an Angelina Jolie Update

I was performing in Milwaukee, WI last weekend, and one of the pleasures of this underrated city is free print copies of The Onion at newsstands wherever you go. As a result, I want to link to the paper’s recent piece that breaks down the Chicago Cubs season for 2006.

The essence of the story is that, despite a good start, Dusty Baker believes that the team will begin to flounder soon enough. While some might see this piece as just a satire, didn’t they say the same about Jonathan Swift’s work? Make sure to read the side-box featuring how after an “800-pitch throwing session” to help further strain the ligaments in his right shoulder, Mark Prior’s arm popped out of its socket and completely detached from his body. I don’t know how Mr. Under the Knife missed this story, but I’m there once again to back him up.

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File under the category of Not Safe for Work (unless you are employed by Evil Angel): Angelina Jolie’s former lesbian lover has gone on record saying her relationship with Brad Pitt will never last. I would like to share this quote from said former-lover, Jenny Shizmu, which appeared in the very classy British tabloid, The News of the World:

Angelina and I walked to the swimming pool, looked at each other and slowly stripped naked. It was a beautiful clear night and we could see each other’s bodies under the moonlight. Then we both dived in and wrapped our arms around each other. The feeling of the water got us both excited and for what seemed like hours we caressed each other under the surface, kissing again and again. Angelina loved to wax herself all over and didn’t have a hair on her body—and under the water I could feel every bit of her.”

The quote above is the print version of Cialis. This story is what we in the journalism business call “BONERVILLE!” (The Juice Blog warns that if you sustain an erection for longer than four hours, please see a doctor who will give you the antedote, which is gazing at this greedy pig’s jowls.)

7 thoughts on “The Onion and an Angelina Jolie Update

  1. 1.  I’ll be in my bunk.

    But seriously, I thought Anna Benson’s comments in FHM regarding what Kris gets to do if he wins the Cy Young were fantastic. This…this is most wonderful.

  2. 2.  This story is what we in the journalism business call “BONERVILLE!”

    As a former journalist may I just say: LOL. That’s exactly what people in the biz used to say.

  3. 3.  I’ll be in my bunk.

    Woah, looks like I’m not the only person who had that exact thought.

  4. 4.  Scott: the top half of your post reads as if you are not under the impression that the Onion is satire. But that’s just not possible.

  5. 7.  Brent, I’m pretty sure he knows. I’m not sure how obvious it is, but Jonathan Swift is one of the finer and more promenent satire writers in history. (The only reason I know this is that we covered him in English last year.)

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