With Abner Doubleday‘s birthday arriving and departing with little fanfare yesterday, I decided to contact the “creator” of America’s pastime to find out what his views are on how the game has evolved. Of course, since Doubleday has been dead for 113 years, I figured conducting the interview would be a challenge.
Knowing this, I contacted noted psychic medium John Edward to see if he could help me in my quest. He was too busy making money propagating his Three Card Monte game of the mind to help.
Next, I contacted former vice presidential candidate John Edwards, as his name is very similar. Edwards was not as busy, but didn’t know how he could help me reach anyone in the spirit world. He was glad to share with me about how there are two Americas, though.
I won’t kid you, I was feeling like the Doubleday interview wasn’t going to happen, but then I remembered I had a Magic 8-Ball in the attic. Rubbing it and doing a little séance, I was quickly joined by Abner himself. The following is the interview I conducted:
Doubleday: What in the Sam Hill do you want?
Scott: Thanks for joining me. I figured since you are credited by many as being the founder of the great game of baseball, I should get your opinions on some hot topics about it.
Doubleday: Well, I don’t know about being the founder of the game, as that was mainly a story Al Spalding created to sell some sports equipment. I mean, I know the game better than anyone who’s been a Pittsburgh Pirate GM over the past 10 years, but I’m no Dave Dombrowski.
Scott: What are your thoughts on the current performance enhancing drug scandals that plague the game?
Doubleday: Players have always looked for an edge. Cap Anson used to drink Coca Colas by the case and that was a time when the Coca part was the real “Real Thing.” Do you think Wee Willie Keeler would have passed up a chance using a drug called Human Growth Hormone?
Scott: Do you have any thoughts on Barry Bonds?
Doubleday: Drugs or not, the guy is amazing! Bad dude, though. I was watching a game on my 1,000 inch HD with some friends the other night and even Mr.Rogers was heckling Barry. If you didn’t know, Fred Rogers is a native of Pittsburgh. The backstory is that when Barry was playing for the Pirates, he went off on his mailman, who just happened to be Mr. McFeely. Fred says that Barry is the only person he wishes hadn’t of followed his advice of “just be yourself.”
Scott: What did you think about Ozzie Guillen’s reference to Jay Mariotti as a “fag”?
Doubleday: Well, since my family was of English descent, I didn’t understand the whole hullabaloo over it, as what’s the problem with calling someone a delicious pork meatball? I’ve read Mariotti a few times and I would have been much harsher, as Mariotti is a real donkey sphincter.
Scott: How do you read Mariotti?
Doubleday: I don’t want to get into the whole afterlife thing too much, but let me just say where I’m at has a great high speed connection.
Scott: What do you like about the game that didn’t exist when you were on earth?
Doubleday: Well, I’m a big proponent of Moneyball, as OBP is the most important stat in my game. I also like the San Diego Chicken a lot.
Scott: What bothers you about the game?
Doubleday: Outside of the DH, I have to say some of these throw-back games are a little overboard. Take last Saturday night, Atlanta and Tampa Bay played a game in ’70s unis. I could barely deal with the circa 1975 Biff Pocoroba/Buzz Capra Braves jerseys, but since the D-Rays didn’t even exist, they wore some Single A outfits from the Tampa Tarpons team.
Now I don’t know about you, but when I see TARPONS across a player’s chest, it looks from a distance like TAMPONS. Mix that with it being spelled in blood red and ol’ Abner gets a little queasy.
Scott: Yeah, I can see what you mean.
Doubleday: I did like one thing about the game. The Tampa front-office had Photoshopped ’70s hair-dos on each player’s jumbotron picture. Andrew Jones looked like the son of Oscar Gamble. Thank the lord they didn’t go too far and Photoshop a face on the picture of Joe Pepitone (Not Safe for Work, Homophobes, or weak stomachs). Cub fans can talk all about the curse of the billy goat, but this picture can’t help their karma.
Scott: Thanks for joining our readers hear at The Juice Blog, Mr. Doubleday.
Doubleday: My pleasure. Maybe next time I can do a live chat. Seacrest, out!