Paris Hilton in a Cage

I’ve never understood the Paris Hilton phenomenon. Without any discernible talent, except for a tabloid-friendly name and a long blonde mane, she has spent the last few years being covered breathlessly by the entertainment media. Personally, I don’t even think she’s that hot. Considering that Hilton craves public attention, I think it’s time to put her in a zoo.

(Voice of tour guide) Next we will visit a North American Dizzy Debutante named Paris. Many believe she is a descendant of the Native American tribe, The SKANK-a-HO. We at the Columbus Zoo strongly suggest that girls under the age of 16 not see this exhibit, as she does set a horrible example on how to behave for the young and impressionable. As we step up to the cage, let me suggest to listen carefully, as you will be able to hear (hissing sound) the air actually leaving her head. Please do not feed her, as the Dizzy Debutante will scarf and then barf whatever she ingests. The only protein Paris can keep down after swallowing is human semen. Speaking of this, let’s next go to the Clay Aiken cage….

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We don’t do a lot of linking here at thejuiceblog, but here are couple of really funny pieces of video to catch at youtube.com

The first is Clerks 2 director talking about his experience writing the script for a Superman movie that was never made. Smith has never been funnier and even though it’s over 19 minutes long, it’s well worth checking out.

The second is a site called lafflink.com, which has compiled stand-up material it appears from old A&E shows like Evening at the Improv. Fun to watch early routines from guys like Dave Attell, Norm MacDonald, and Dave Chappelle. The one I recommend you check out first is from a comedian named Dan Whitney, who became better known as Larry the Cable Guy. Truthfully, it’s hard to believe it’s the same guy, especially with him wearing a pastel dress shirt, khaki pants, and a pair of shiny new white sneakers.

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I’ve been pretty tough on this year’s Last Comic Standing, but last week was a great example of why comics try so hard to get on the show. Each of the 5 finalists were given 5 minutes to do their act and all 3 men that are left, showed off their talents well. Ty Barnett, Chris Porter, and Josh Blue are 3 excellent young stand-ups, who deserve the boost the show is going to give them. Blue is set to be the major break-out star from LCS 2006, as his timing is remarkable.

8 thoughts on “Paris Hilton in a Cage

  1. 2.  I was vaguely aware of the long and somewhat tortured history of WB’s attempts to revive the Superman franchise, but Smith’s account of his experience on the project explains a lot about why we get so many craptacularly bad movies out of Hollywood.

  2. 3.  The Kevin Smith speech was pretty good. I’d heard the giant spider thing before, but never in as much context.

    Also, maybe the most interesting thing to me is that Tim Burton made 5-10 million for that movie, even though it never got made.

    That’s enough money for me to live the rest of my life in extreme luxury, and he got it for NOT making that movie.

  3. 4.  Wait, wait that’s Larry the Cable Guy?!

    So, that voice, not even close to being his real voice. He’s as close to being Southern as Madonna is to being British.

    Next thing you are gonna tell me an Andover-educated East Coast aristocrat is going to pass as a blue collar, West Texas rancher.

    That’ll be the day.

  4. 5.  The sound on my laptop is broken, but isn’t that clip from the “Evening with Kevin Smith” DVD? It’s a hilarious set, and there’s a second one coming out in November. (Which hopefully will contain the time where he told the story about Nicole Ritchie dragging Jay Mewes somewhere to have sex while they were both on heroin, which she vehemently denies.)

    On a side note, Kevin Smith is coming to the Chicago Comicon the first weekend of August. Having gone last year, I can say that, even if you don’t care one bit about comic books, his Q&A is worth the price of admission alone. I’m almost certainly checking it out this year, and I recommend it to anyone who finds that sort of thing amusing.

  5. 6.  Tom- That was a hilarious analogy. I break down Bush in my stand-up act, in a similar fashion. (I know, this comment reads like “hey, your post is funny because it’s like something I say.” I’m aware.)

    Ali- I do think it’s from the DVD you mentioned. I’ve heard the thing is great. You can have Spalding Grey (or you used to be able to), but I would take K Smith over them all.

  6. 7.  That Kevin Smith clip is from a four-hour-long movie called (I think) “A Night with Kevin Smith”. It’s pretty much all him, er, “lecturing” at colleges, and the Superman story isn’t the only brilliant bit. His style is to tell these brilliantly discursive shaggy-dog stories that will just crack you up. There’s a particularly good story about when Prince hired him to direct a documentary.

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