The Exception Game (AKA: Laminated List)

Early on in my comedy career, I wrote a bit about a couple that were friends of mine playing something called the exception game. The concept was that you were able to pick 3 celebrities that you were able to sleep with that would not be considered cheating. This was back in 1995, so the 3 guys the wife chose were Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Tom Cruise. The husband then responds by saying that “go ahead, knock it out, if you think you can do it. Cuz I would sleep Cindy Crawford is she offered.” The wife then proceeds to start crying saying “how could you do this to the sanctity of our relationship?” As the mediator, I step in and mention that she should calm down and look at the reality of the conversation. I offer up to her “that do you think that Cindy Crawford is trolling the streets of the (insert your favorite redneck hamlet) looking for a 400 pound plumber?”

Some comedy bits don’t translate well to the written word and while I would not rate it as one of my best jokes, it has been money in the bank since ’95. I found out later that the following year, there was a “Friends” episode that discussed this topic, only calling it the laminated list. Will has been threatening to put up his own list all year, but maybe Harold Reynolds’ lawyer gave him some advice to keep it to himself. Below is my list. Please feel free to offer up your own selections.

Scott’s 2006 Exception Game List

Elizabeth Shue- The only woman to be on my list for the past 20 years, I’ve had a thing for Ms. Shue since “Adventures in Babysitting.” She proved her acting chops in “Leaving Las Vegas”, while she was sexy even in brain-dead fare like “Cocktail.” She has a degree in government from Harvard, so she’s smarter than me, but I could look past that.

Gina Gershon- Co-star with Shue in the movie “Palmetto”, Gershon just oozes sexuality. With the most sensuous mouth I’ve ever seen and an attitude that says she is kinkier than you’ve ever thought of being, she hits me as the ultimate one-night stand. Bonus: If you watch “Bound” or “Showgirls”, it would appear that she might be willing to bring a friend along for the ride.

Charlize Theron- The most beautiful face I’ve ever seen. I know this sounds creepy, but I could be physically satisfied just looking at her head on a pillow. (Calling David Cronenberg.) Not only is she drop-dead gorgeous, but she has a really cool personality when she appears on talk shows. And in the celebrity world we live in, the best way to get a feel for a person is watching them on Conan.

Eva Mendes- From the first time I saw her appear on the screen in “Training Day”, I was floored by her beauty. A latin Cindy Crawford is how I would describe her. She’s sexy and has proven she has a comedic flair as well, but let’s be honest, a face and an ass like hers trump funny in any contest.

Eliza Dushku- I’ve never been a regular watcher of any TV show she has appeared on (Buffy, Angel, Tru Calling), but everytime I see her on the screen, I have to stop and gawk. She has gorgeous brown eyes, a luscious mouth, beautiful long hair, and it appears like every part of her body is built for pleasure.

These are my Top 5 for this year. I have listed 5 more smokin’ hot babes that just missed my illustrious list. Sorry ladies, but don’t be discouraged, there is always next year. (insert smiley face)

Hottest TV actress: Katherine Heigl
Hottest TV newswoman: Heidi Collins
Hottest Model: Adrianna Lima
Hottest Musician: Julie Roberts
Hottest Athlete: Katarina Witt

Now it’s your turn.

(UPDATE: Will chimes in)

I’ve resisted putting up my list for a better portion of a year, so Scott has to taunt me into it. Here’s my list, sans comedy gold.

1. Jodie Foster: Smart, sexy, confident, and always willing to go her own way, Foster’s been a longtime list denizen for me. I love women that will look as good at 40 as they do at 20 and Foster just gets better with age. I’m sure Mistah Tony will be saying that she’s “still getting it done” years from now.

2. Shakira: I have no idea what she’s saying most of the time, but hearing her say it is enough to make me want to learn Spanish. Then again, I don’t really care what she’s saying. She had me before hello. Jenny from the block may have made Latin hot, but Shakira perfected it. (Roselyn Sanchez gets an honorable mention here.)

3. Lindsay Lohan: She’s bad. She’s drunk or drugged out half the time. She’s talented and wasting it. That’s fine. She still has the potential to go back and recapture the form of the young Ann-Margret she once was and grab an Oscar. America loves a comeback and I’ll admit a weakness for underdogs, redheads, and freckles.

4. Kristin Bell: Veronica Mars might be the best show on TV, but it’s certainly competing with How I Met Your Mother for hottest cast. Kristen Bell is talented (check out her singing, always a way to get me), loves to cook, and gets ten points for “sassy.”
(Honorable mentions to Alyson Hannigan, Charisma Carpenter, and Cobie Smulders.)

5. Jenn Sterger: I won’t rehash my gushing here. You can page down for that. She’s my Isabella Rossellini.

Hottest TV actress not mentioned: Marg Helgenberger
Hottest TV newswoman: Soledad O’Brien
Hottest Model: models bore me
Hottest Musician: Miranda Lambert
Hottest Athlete: Danica Patrick

26 thoughts on “The Exception Game (AKA: Laminated List)

  1. 1.  Funny – on DT the other day I highlighted the top 5 crush moments for me in Elisabeth Shue’s career. I can’t find the comment but I think it was:

    5) cute in Karate Kid
    4) vulnerable in Cocktail
    3) spunky in Soapdish
    2) heartbreaking in Leaving Las Vegas
    1) Adventures in Babysitting opening credits – enough to make you fall in love with her (I realize you’re talking more about lust.)

  2. 2.  It’s interesting you bring it up, Jon, as next week I plan on doing a part 2 where I discuss what actress in a specific role that you fell in love with on the screen. Shue has more of these moments for me then anyone I can think of. She’s not the greatest actress and she’s definitely not been in a lot of great movies, but something about her tugs at me. (Yes, take that last statement anyway you want.)

    Soapdish is a really funny, underrated movie. Kevin Kline might be the best comedic actor not named Bill Murray, of the past 20 years.

  3. 3.  Sure, I’ll play.

    SB’s 2006 Exception Game List

    1. Salma Hayek
    2. Salma Hayek
    3. Salma Hayek
    4. Salma Hayek
    5. Salma Hayek

    Salma Hayek is also the answer to the other categories.

    Hottest TV actress: I’m sure she has appeared on television.
    Hottest TV newswoman: She probably imitated a reporter for kicks at one time in her life.
    Hottest Model: There has never been a bad picture of her.
    Hottest Musician: She probably took lessons.
    Hottest Athlete: She’s in excellent shape, probably because of some kind of sport.

    Thanks, Scott. That was easy.

  4. 5.  This is easy, cos I’ve played it before:

    1) Audrey Tautou
    2) Nathan Fillion
    3) Maria Sharapova
    4) Eliza Dushku

    Maria Sharapova would tower over me, but that’s okay. I’ve had the hots for Dushku since “Buffy” season 3, and it hasn’t waned even with all the crap she’s been in. I long ago decided that Nathan Fillion, a little-known actor most often cited for his work with Joss Whedon, was the hottest man on the planet, and I’m sticking to it. Audrey Tautou? If it were up to me, every girl I dated would look like Audrey Tautou.

    TV actress: Lauren Graham. An eccentric choice, driven by the fact that, to be completely crude about it, she has the best rear end I’ve ever seen.

    TV newswoman: I don’t watch TV news.

    Hottest model: I don’t know any. The only one I can think of off the top of my head is Kate Moss, and I’m loathe to list her as “hot” anywhere.

    Hottest musician: Most of the musicians I listen to are skinny dudes who work mostly with laptops. I guess I’ll go with Hope Sandoval of Mazzy Star.

    Hottest athlete: See above re: Maria Sharapova.

  5. 6.  1.) Kate Beckinsale
    2.) Jennifer Connelly
    3.) Helena Bonham Carter

    (Others will crop up in my head later and I’ll think “oh, wait, no, I forgot…” Oh, see, here’s one already, Mario Bello.)

    TV Actress: I’ve had a thing for Maura Tierney for a long time.

    Newswoman – I’ve been searching all morning (ok, 10 minutes) on google for a local hispanic anchor here in NYC who wears glasses and I can’t find her. But her.

    Musician – I’m going to go with Mia Matsumia of the NYC band Kayo Dot

    Athlete – WE can’t say because WE don’t want to get Scott or anyone else in trouble as she’ still rather young, but WE simply can’t look away when she’s onscreen.

  6. 8.  ooooh, I wanna play, just don’t let my girlfriend see this list…

    1)Natalie Portman- Beautiful, just beautiful,
    2)Jessica Alba – How she hasn’t made any of your lists, Ill never know…shame shame 🙂
    3)Charlize Theron – and I dont even like blonds
    4)Eva Longoria
    5)Eliza Dishku

    Hottest TV actress not mentioned: Katherine Bell
    Hottest TV newswoman: I read my news on Yahoo@
    Hottest Model: That Chick who won Miss Universe
    Hottest Musician: Shakira, but only for the past year
    Hottest Athlete(s): The U of Texas Tennis team (caught them when they played UCLA, a group of tall, slender, bronze skinned dark blondes that play with…no, I wont say it…) Though I guess they arent really celbrities. For celebrities Id go with D Patrick

  7. 9.  1. Eva Green
    2. Eva Green
    3. Eva Green
    4. Eva Green
    5. Eva Green

    However, Jenny Lewis gets a shout out in the musician category and Sharapova in the athlete category.

  8. 10.  In no particular order…
    1. Anne Hathaway
    2. Jessica Biel
    3. Jessica Alba
    4. Keria Knightley
    5. Jennifer Love Hewitt.

    Hottest TV actress: Hmm Jennifer Aniston’s not on TV anymore.. Kelly Ripa?
    Hottest TV newswoman: I don’t watch the news, so I picked two musicians.
    Hottest Model: Adrianna Lima.. yeah, she wins.
    Hottest Musician: Shakira, Pink.
    Hottest Athlete: Amanda Beard

  9. 11.  1. Alyssa Milano. From 375 miles away, Brad Penny heard the typing of these letters, and will soon vent his anger by shouting at Kenny Lofton, on general principle.
    2. Lindsay Lohan. Only if I can trade in the skanked-out partier for the LL seen in “Freaky Friday” and “Mean Girls.” Then again, she wasn’t yet 18 when those movies were shot, so let’s just forge ahead before I unwittingly commit some cybercrime that was surreptiously tucked into the PATRIOT Act.
    3. Angel Boris. Playboy centerfold, B-movie actress (“Boa vs. Python”), lithe hottie.
    4. Jennifer Aniston. Far sexier than Angelina Jolie, I say.
    5. Because I can’t think of a fifth, I’m going to use this spot as trade bait with my GF: Only four women on my laminated list in exchange for a “once-a-year” pass like Andrei Kirilenko gets from his wife.

    Hottest TV actress: Don’t watch TV, except for news and sports. But is Alyssa Milano still on “Charmed?” Is “Charmed” still on the air?
    Hottest TV newswoman: Hmmm. Tough one, because the Phoenix market is rather devoid on this count. I’ll throw out two from the past: Erin Moody (KCCI, in Des Moines) and Claire Shipman (NBC).
    Hottest Model: Betcee May. No contest. http://tinyurl.com/mvg35 (NSFW)
    Hottest Musician: This may be dated, but I’ll say Shirley Manson.
    Hottest Athlete: Alyssa Milano, for her unsung role as (cough) bullpen catcher.

  10. 13.  Scott: Man this is highbrow at its finest. Next topic….

    Should Pete Rose be in the Hall?

  11. 14.  mmmm i totaly agree with your comment on Eliza. is there anyone more hot? she has been my hero since the third season of buffy. and i drool anytime i see that woman. so she would definatly be my number one. my list would have to be
    *Eliza Dushku yummy
    *Jessica Alba, she has gotten even more beautiful since Dark Angel
    *Kierra is a must as well
    *The crazy intense girl in the Victorias Secret magazines. Dont know her name but she is wicked gorgeous.
    *the younger Sarah Michelle Geller. the first couple seasons of Buffy younger. When we were still fantasizing about a Buffy Faith relationship. still am accualy 😀
    *Eliza Dushku, seriously, both me and my girl are in love with her. were still hoping that she becomes gay. please oh please.

    Bri

    the1trufaith@gmail.com

  12. 15.  Who cares about Pete Rose. It’s been discussed ad nauseum. All I have to say is that comment 14 might be the greatest comment ever at the Toaster. Bri, thank you for sharing your exciting thoughts. I will put all my psychic thoughts to wish Eliza to become gay, as long as when she joins your swinging party, you post the highlights here.

    Come on TFD, admit it, you’ve got your own list. I’m guessing women who’ve appeared in Merchant/Ivory films.

  13. 16.  Comments on a few other choices.

    It would seem that Will’s number 1 choice would have much more interest in Bri and her girl than Will, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
    By the way, Will, I almost chose Miranda Lambert. I also like Sara Evans a lot.

    I would have put Jessica Alba on the list the past couple of years, but I think she has gotten a little too skinny for my taste. Amanda Beard was a close second in the athlete department. Anne Hathaway has definitely moved up the charts.

    Come on people, Will and I are married and we still gave our choices out, so it’s time for you to step up to the plate.

  14. 17.  The 5
    1) Shana Hiatt – why yes, I do spend too much of my time watching poker, why do you ask?

    2) Kari Byron – nothing hotter then brains

    3) Robin Wright – As you wish…

    4) Jennifer Connelly – although she does need to eat a sandwich or two recently

    5) Sherilyn Fenn – still holds the spot from the Twin Peaks days

    Hottest TV actress: Tricia Helfer
    Hottest TV newswoman: Well, not TV, and she’s probably butt ugly, but NPR’s Sylvia Poggioli has one of those voices. For TV, how about Ashleigh Banfield
    Hottest Model: I dunno
    Hottest Musician: Neko Case – it’s all that voice…
    Hottest Athlete: Jennie Finch

  15. 19.  Hey, don’t be a weisman. Hilarious. The things you learn here at thejuiceblog.

  16. 20.  So who is Mrs. Will Carroll, and what does she do for a living?

    (geez, and I thought it was Jenn Sterger)

  17. 21.  8 – Pretty sure you meant Kristen Bell, star of VERONICA MARS!!!!!

    Sorry, I just have a “Veronica Mars” thing. Best show on TV. And yeah, Kristen Bell is hot. The real thing she has going for her is that she is a genuinely excellent actress, which most other hot TV people don’t have on their side. But her butt doesn’t measure up to Lauren Graham’s.

  18. 22.  First of all, how has Scarlett Johansson not been mentioned yet?

    1. Jennifer Connelly
    2. Scarlett
    3. Kate Winslet
    4. Rachel McAdams
    5. Tina Fey

    Hottest Musician: Good call, Eric: Jenny Lewis.

  19. 23.  1. Charlize Theron
    2. I’ll second Scarlett J.
    3. Evangiline Lilly—like the sleeveless shirts
    4. Phoebe Cates and a time machine to 1983.
    5. Shakira.

  20. 24.  So glad to see more people having the hots for Eliza! She’s beautiful, but still with a kind of girlnextdoor quality….and good call on Katherine Heigl! Loved her eversince Roswell (don’t laugh! It wasn’t that bad, was it?), and she only got better since then…

    My list:
    1) Tia Carrere
    2) Eliza Dushku
    3) Lucy Lui
    4) Katherine Heigl
    5) Jessica Alba

    Actress not yet named: Nikki Cox

  21. 25.  I don’t think Jenn Sterger can qualify for Will. After all, this is supposed to be an exception, for girls you might run into once in your life. Otherwise, guys would make as an exception his wife’s 5 best friends.

    Jessica Alba, Keira Knightley, Selma Hayek, Charlize Theron, Beyonce.

  22. 26.  You should all be ashamed for forgetting to include Stacy Keibler. Ashamed.

    1 – Stacy Keibler
    2 – Jessica Alba
    3 – Salma Hayek
    4 – Anna Kournikova
    5 – Angelina Jolie

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