Pastor Ted Haggard Faces Judgement Day

Since so many christian conservatives attacked Bill Clinton during his Monica-period, I think it’s only fair that the same is done to their fallen breathren. This is why I suggest that special prosecutor Ken Starr question him. Here is a brief snippet of how I think it would go.

Starr: Reverend Ted, is it true that you used crystal meth?

Haggard: First off, I refer to it as Christian Meth. OK, yes I did experiment with it, but did not inhale.

Starr: Did you allow another man to jizz all over you?

Haggard: Well, that would depend on what the definition of jizz, is.

Starr: Finally, are you now for gay marriage?

Haggard: Just because I like to be mounted by a man does not mean that I think he and I should be allowed to marry. I mean now that is sick!!!

6 thoughts on “Pastor Ted Haggard Faces Judgement Day

  1. 1.  Reminds me of the joke about the two guys who get aroused after thinking of their hot wives camping together alone. They look at each other, figure why not, the ladies are out of town, and they start gettting it on. One of the guys moves in for the kiss and the other guy says, “Hey! None of that fag stuff!”

    Being a high school teacher, I cannot tell you how often I encounter homophobia because frankly, I’ve lost count. Students who represent a population with a history of being victimized by racism and repression utter the most insensitive, rabid homophobic remarks you can imagine. Part of it is cultural, part of it is perhaps religious but it’s always annoying. I got asked the other day by one of my students–religious, studious and yes, homophobic–if I felt sorry for Ted Haggard. I told her to look up the word Schadenfreude and to get back to me on Monday.

  2. 3.  I couldn’t resist posting this. From Eschaton, the people helping Haggard have a pretty interesting view of rehab.

    DENVER — There will be prayer, and perhaps the laying on of hands. There will be counseling and a confession. And there will be advice, confrontation and rebuke from “godly men” appointed to oversee the spiritual “restoration” of the Rev. Ted Haggard.

    After tumbling from the pinnacle of the American evangelical movement amid allegations he snorted meth and cavorted with a male prostitute, Haggard has agreed to a rehabilitation process that could last three to five years.

    “I see success approximately 50 percent of the time,” said H.B. London, vice president for church and clergy at Focus on the Family, the conservative Christian ministry in Colorado Springs. “Guys just wear out and they can no longer subject themselves to the process.”

    Those who fail “end up selling cars or shoes or something, and being miserable and angry the rest of their lives,” London said.

    Now, I almost feel sorry for him. Almost…

  3. 6.  This guy is is just the latest example of what is a sad archetype: The self-hating gay man. Another person turned so far inside out by the blatant lies of religion that he comes to hate himself, and by extension, all those who share with him the trait that he hates.

    This sort of thing is maybe #2 on my list of “100 Reasons Organized Religion Is Evil”, right behind, “It has a tendency to cause wars and embolden warriors.”

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