The 2008 NSFW Sports BUNGHOLE of the Year

There were so many deserving people in the sports world who could have received this honor, but when you consider all the components from TO, Pac-Man, Jessica Romo, and especially JJ the owner, it is hard to point to a team that has ever been more Fucked-up.  Yes, we have been over-saturated with Dallas football talk, but nowhere will you get an analysis more real than the one that follows.

Let’s begin with an exclusive phone interview we did with Dallas owner Jerry Jones.  Below is the transcript of it.

NSFW: Some critics have said you are too focused on making your team TV stars like the HBO Training Camp show you did before the season.  Your take.

Jones: Hell, you haven’t seen nothing yet. Next year there will be a whole episode of Taxi Cab Confessions starring the Dallas Cowboys. The scene with Pac Man Jones discussing the art of making it rain is worth the price of admission just on its own.

NSFW: Will Wade Phillips be your coach next season.

Jones: I completely believe Wade is the right man to lead the Dallas Cowboys.  (Phone click) I gotta get this call, I’ll be right back…. (hacky sitcom situation where he doesn’t truly click over occurs) Hey Coach Stoops, thanks for calling me back.  I would love for you to come in next week for an interview to be the next head coach of the Dallas Cowboys.

NSFW: Uh, Jerry, you must not have clicked over, you are still with us.

Jones: Well, that is a bit embarrassing.  Hell, what do I know about picking a coach, I once hired Dave Campo to be the head man.

NSFW: There are real questions if there will be enough balls to go around with Roy Williams flanking Terrell Owens.

Jones: Let me give you a scoop.  I’m on the rules committee and I am proposing an exciting change to the NFL.  Next year on 3rd downs, teams will have the option to have the center hike 2 balls to the quarterback.  I’m a gol-dang visionary.

(Suddenly hear a wince and then a high-pitched yelp) Jeezus almighty, careful with that thing.

NSFW: What is the trouble?

Jerry: Ah nothing. Just getting my hourly botox shot.

NSFW: Tank Johnson, Pac Man, TO.  Nice group to build team chemistry around.  What the Fuck were you thinking?

Jerry:  We embrace distractions here.  Wait until next year.  I plan on bringing in a mentor for our more difficult personalities.  I’m gonna hire a good appeal lawyer and bail-out O.J. Simpson.

***************************

Top Reasons for Why the Cowboys Played Like Complete Dogshit

They make so much money that they can just buy Super Bowl rings on Ebay.

They”re were too concerned about how an Obama administration will raise their taxes.

It is still hard to breathe in their locker room from the residue effect leftover from all the hair spray Jimmy Johnson used to apply more than a decade ago.  The EPA has recently declared it a toxic work site.

Pathetic backup Brad Johnson is so old he thought John McCain needed more seasoning.

TO acts like most married men.  Always complaining that he doesn’t get enough touches.

Their starting quarterback seems too consumed with his nit-wit, reality star chick.
Actually considering how many bad decisions he made over the last month of the season that now Jessica Simpson is considered the smart one in the relationship.

Even the cheerleaders are too much like the team.  Physically talented, but dumber than a box of snatch.  (Editor’s note: I have no idea what that means, but it makes me laugh.)

Coach Wade Phillips is too much like President George W. Bush.  A guy who has struggled trying to follow in his more successful father’s footsteps.  You know, that is too harsh on Wade Phillips.  In truth, after Dubya’s record, he should have to adopt Wade’s daddy’s first name.  Bum Bush.

It is hard to give it your best when no one in the media gives you any attention. (High quotient of sarcasm involved with that one.)

************************

Pacman Jones

If you were looking for a microcosm of everything that is wrong with the NFL, meet Adam Jones.  Of course, as Jerry Jones said, he embraces distractions.  If this is truly the case, Pacman must have hit all of his salary incentives.  I won’t say Pac Man is worthless, but he definitely ain’t worth what an Illinois Senate seat gets.

Highlights of the season for him include:

Early in the year, he claimed in a tackle pile-up, someone grabbed his nut-sack.  From now on I will refer to him as Rack-Man Jones.

When he was suspended during the middle part of the year, Rack-Man was attending a party featuring rapper called Ludacris, which is also the best name to describe the Pacster’s off-field behavior. I can see why Rack-Man was there.  He thinks Ludacris wrote the song Grew Up a Screw Up specifically about himself.

It was thought later in the year that Rack-Man might have sustained a career-ending neck injury. My guess is his neck problem started from constantly looking up at all those phat jigglers while sitting front row at gentlemen’s clubs.  Actually the medical term for this injury is Make it Rain neck.

If Commissioner Goodell wants to scare Rack-Man straight, don’t threaten a life-time ban from the NFL.  Threaten a life-time ban from the Bada-Bing.

A Final Note To Cowboy Fans

Info for Cowboy fans who already bought Super Bowl tix.  You need to become familiar with a website
who can help you with your problems.  It’s called Stub Hub.

Congrats to the Cowboys winning the first annual BUNGHOLE of the Year award.  You are truly an embarassment to the sports world and we tip our Stetson to you!

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