New Year’s Day Bowl Games: Sponsored by Dulcolax

Remember when the bowl season used to have intrigue, without needing an online account at sportsbook.com to be motivated to watch?  There have been so few meaningful match-ups during the past few years.  I actually like watching non-BCS schools get a chance to play the big conference teams, but this year it seems most of them are playing each other.  It’s like a Bracket Buster version of college football, except these games mean so little.  Let me list a few of these shitburgers.

Houston-Air Force
W.Michigan-Rice
Buffalo-Connecticut (The Big East is still a basketball conference)

New Year’s Day used to be all about watching football, while nursing a hangover that you had earned the night before.  Now with the road blocks set up on NYE and the disappearance of half the good games on New Year’s Day, it might as well be like a typical Saturday.  Half-way sober, with a remote flipping between Top Chef and MSNBC Lockdown prison bitches.  The only game with any drama today was the Gator Bowl, with 8-4 Nebraska vs 7-5 Clemson.  This is the type of excitement that can’t be changed for a playoff system, I guess.

Knowing that it is nearly impossible to write an interesting piece on the bowl games so far, I have instead decided to pull out some nuggets about some of the teams involved that you haven’t heard from the MSM.

Rose Bowl

It’s called the Great-granddaddy this year, with Joe Paterno making another appearance.  I’m convinced that Joe Pa continues to coach, not because he even likes football, but because it gives him free-reign to yell at young punks.
Paterno at practice. “Listen up you young whipper-snappers.  We’re going to run a single-wing and have the flanker run a button-hook.  On 23-skeedoo.  Break.  Oh and one more thing. Stay off my Goddamn lawn, you meddling kids!”
Forget about the game passing him by, the whole damn world has done it.  He’s 82 fucking years-old.  Penn State should be as dominate as Ohio State in the Big 10, with it having more National TV coverage than any other team on the East Coast.  Instead it truly competes every 5 years or so.  The assistant coaches are the reason the team even gets this far.

The Pac-10 is really getting the royal rimjob in 2008, as they are 5-0 in the bowls, but USC isn’t even considered in the mix for the National Championship.  I would guess Vegas would make them a favorite on a neutral field with anyone and guess what, Vegas knows sports a helluva lot better than the typical voter in the AP poll.  They have more pro’s on their roster than the Bunny Ranch, so I don’t see the deal there.  I know that NSFW Sports will be voting them number 1, unless Oklahoma wins by 24 or more.

Capital One Bowl

What’s in your wallet?  Not fucking much because of the vile tactics of credit card companies like Capital 1.  I don’t get their commercials at all, where suburbanites are set to be attacked by some gothic tribe from the middle-ages, until they pull out their magical shield, I mean Capital 1 credit card.  What I would like to see is the Capital 1 tribesmen rape and plunder the Verizon Wireless network of dorks.
Oh and let me mention, massive disappointment Georgia defeated Michigan State.

Outback Bowl

I have always liked Steve Spurrier, despite him wearing hats like he was a Lesbian golfer.  Much of his success was driven by competing in the state of Florida by 2 other programs (Miami and Florida State) who had more thugs on their roster than the Wu-Tang Clan. Since he left the state and those rivals started going downhill, I just don’t think he has the fire in his gizzard that he used to.  Sure the Gamecock fans are loyal, especially considering their overall lack of success, but who gives a shit about them, anyway.  Most of them kept voting a comatose racist into office each time he ran.  (Little known fact:  Strom Thumond was born with the name Grand Wizard Stromboli Thurmond, which he shortened to Strom. )

Iowa might be the only Big 10 team to win a bowl game this season.  Here are the reasons/excuses.

1. Big 10 schools are built for colder weather.  I’d like to see how Texas would fair in Columbus during November.
2. Weather-related again.  Since they play on fast tracks, speed is number 1 on the list for the SEC or Pac-10.  This is bad for the Big 10, as they have to leave the region to recruit speed.
3. Since they get the biggest TV ratings of any conference, the Big 10 schools almost always play a team who is more highly ranked.  Check the spreads on the bowl games, if you don’t believe me on that one.
4. The coaching is pretty poor, with only Ohio State, Iowa, and Michigan State having coaches who are in the Top 30 in their profession.  (Michigan’s coach has an incomplete grade at this point.)

A few other random bowl game notes.

Oregon State 3, Pittsburgh 0.  Hey, was that a baseball score or what?  (Right from the TelePrompTer of every lame-ass local sports anchor in America.)

How the FUCK was LSU not in the Top 25 going into the bowl games?  How could a team that talented lose 5 games? They lost to the Rebels and to the putrid Razorbacks to finish the regular season.  They were the biggest underachievers in Baton Rouge since Shaq and Chris Jackson couldn’t get out of the second round.  Biggest overachiever from Baton Rouge, Britney.  (NOTE: I think Brit is hotter than ever, since she went on a dangerous diet and got sweet new hair extensions.  I need to talk to my wife about emulating her. Well, that is when she is not driving our car with a baby.)

Finally, make sure to set your clocks for 12 PM ET on Saturday, so you can catch the International Bowl featuring Buffalo and Connecticut.  Since it’s being played in Toronto, I’m hoping that they play on a wider field and only get 3 downs, instead of 4.

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