For quite awhile, Jose Canseco has discussed how he was wronged by MLB. I agree with Jose, as he was still a productive hitter who should have been DH’ing for some AL team, but no one would sign him. It was like he was Jesus Christ, dying on the cross for all the other steroid sinners. Is it a coincidence that Jesus and Jose share the same initials? Well, yes it is a coincidence, but if Jose reads this don’t be surprised if he steals the comparison. Knowing the ego of JC (2009), I’m guessing he probably wears a WWJCD bracelet.
With more names that he discussed in his book coming up positive for drinking the pectoral punch, he says he now wants an apology from baseball. Since I don’t see that happening anytime soon, let me be MLB’s spokesperson.
Dear Moth Balls,
We acknowledge that we cast you away from our sport and tried to portray you as a lunatic. Sure you were on The Surreal Life 23, wearing jungle print bikini briefs and letting them dress you up like a woman. Sure you lost the multi-millions that we paid you during your career, which has caused you to do things like box world-class nutjob, Danny Bonaduce. Oh and your brother is Ozzie, so even your genetics don’t point to your sanity. Even with these and many other cases of your erratic behavior, it doesn’t mean you weren’t capable of telling the truth. Just because you are a Major League Asshole, doesn’t mean you are a liar. So we, Major League Baseball, are sorry. Now please leave us the fuck alone, so we can look back at our files of your smokin’ hot ex-wife, Jessica….You know, the more we look at these pics of her and realize that you were getting to tap that ass, we are taking back our apology. Fuck you, meathead. You don’t deserve her anymore than you deserve being in the Hall of Fame. You already have gotten too much media attention. Every time you open up your piehole, you are taking the focus away from players who deserve more media attention. You know, like A-Rod. Now we need to get back to looking the other way and passing the buck.
Major League Baseball
One of the best songs and videos of last year was Okkervil River’s Lost Coastlines. They are like The Smiths, if Morrissey made an alt.country record.