SATIRE ALERT: Behind the Scenes with Charles Barkley in Jail

So now that Chuck has served his time and done his debt to society, it’s time to find out what happened during his stay.  NSFWsports has spared no cost to make up shit up and share it with you.  Kind of like Jayson Blair, except more entertaining.

First Day: CB is driven to jail by a designated driver.  Good job, Chuck.  The designated driver just happens to be John Daly.  Bad fucking move, Chuck.  The first thing that happens is that he’s told to empty his pocket of all his valuables.  Since Barkley had stopped at a casino before checking in, there was nothing left in his pockets, well except for a picture of his favorite person in the whole world.  Himself.  Next Chuck is stripped and searched.  The jail has a good sense of humor, as they tell him they have a special person to search celebrities.  What CB hears next is not comforting.  Bring out the Gimp.  The Gimp’s sleeping.  Well tell him we got someone special to meet. After this 3 hour session, Chuck is ready to go to sleep.

So he’s taken to the clink.  Time to meet his cellmate. Well what were the odds, it’s his former lover, Dick Bavetta.  This NBA referee, who is reportedly in his late 90’s, claimed he was the unsung member of the Apple Dumpling Gang, just so he could share some sweet, sweet time with his buddy, Charles.  Insiders tell us a bed sheet was put across the cell-bars, so we don’t know if any salad was actually tossed.  Don’t underestimate the charms of Dick, though.  If they ever do a porno parody of Cocoon, Bavetta is a shoe-in to be the lead Dick.

DAY 2:  Still sore from so much love-making the day before, CB takes it easy in his cell.  He’s told he has a visitor.  Who could it be?  Tiger. MJ.  Nope.  It’s Ernie Johnson, who has come to show his support.  Well, that is if support includes pulling out a laptop which shows video of his arrest.  Ernie says that he knows that the only reason anyone tunes in the NBA on TNT is to watch Charles, so to fill-in for his absence, this video will be shown.  Sadly, the only celebrity that just even sends him a letter is Nick Nolte who asks Chuck the name of his mugshot photographer because the guy is the Bruce Weber of the genre.

DAY 3: Even though torture is not permitted in the US Penal System, the guards know how to really fuck the prisoners up.  Today, all TV’s were put on a continuous loop showing Charles Barkley’s golf swing.  At one point, there was a near riot, as some couldn’t take it anymore.  One prisoner was so desperate he asked if they could put on a rerun of Stephen A. Smith’s show, instead.  (OK, I made that one up.  No one would ever do that.)

Check in with us next week, when we have exclusive video of Drew Rosenhaus making a pagan sacrifice to the Devil.

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Since in my last post I discussed who my favorite Victoria’s Secret model was of all-time, I thought I should add who my current favorite is.  Let’s just say she’s married to a guy who averages 1.8 points per game for the Memphis Grizzlies.  America is a great country, huh?

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I like the song, but I love the video.  Watch out for the badass Asian Bikers.

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