Top 10 Things that Make Me Feel Like a Man

I’m not a really macho dude.  I was raised from the age of 12 by my Mom.  I don’t give a shit about cars except that I like them to look pretty.  If something breaks around the house, I go directly to my toolbox, which is where I keep the Yellow Pages, so I can look up someone who can fix-it.   I don’t like Kung-Fu movies and I’ve never been hunting.  If you like to do these things, more power to you, but I don’t have any interest.  Truthfully, if it wasn’t for sports and poontang, I would wonder if I shouldn’t be the lead in a Broadway musical.

Considering that I’m not the most macho guy, I thought I should sit down and come up with a list of things that do make me feel like a real man.  Here they are.

• Eating at a Brazilian steakhouse. If you haven’t been to one of these Roman orgies of meat, the waiters walk around offering up a skewers of incredibly delicious steak, pork, etc.  Your only duty at a place like this is to gorge yourself as much as possible. If you can manage to take a dump in the next 3 days, you haven’t done your artery-clogging best.  I saw a woman at one of these places the last time I was there and I just thought, you are wasting your money. Why don’t you go to some bistro?
  
• Listening to Black Sabbath. Women can like metal. Women can like goth.  Women can like Ozzy’s solo stuff.  Any chick though that is rocking War Pigs or N.I.B. needs to get some therapy because this is music meant for people with balls.
• Watching The Shield. Now I’m not going to say that women can’t enjoy this show, but it takes a man to really understand why these guys behave the way they do.  Women watch the Vic and the boys and watch in fascination of how they can behave the way they do.  For women it’s like watching gorillas on the Animal Planet.  For men, it’s more like seeing the darkest impulses of our nature.
• Reading a Chuck Palahniuk books. Fight Club is a fantasy piece for men who no longer have jobs that they can feel any physical fulfillment from.  Palahniuk’s novels are like a modern day version of the Western, which feature loners who don’t have much interest in societel norms.  The books are even better on tape, as Palahniuk voice offers an extra quality.  (See also James Ellroy.)
• Going to a college football game as an alumni. I’ve been to every major sporting event you can think, including the Super Bowl.  There is a something special that I feel at a college football game that you don’t get at other events.  The band, the rivalries, the whole spectre is like the movie Gladiator, just without the sandals.
• Porn. You know those billboards that say Real Men don’t use porn.  That is some Promise Keepers bullshit invented by some Ted Haggard hypocrite.  News flash: Men are visual creatures.  We like Tits and Ass.  If you don’t like porn, ladies, then just let us abuse it on our time and don’t snoop around trying to find it.
• Fantasy Sports. I know it’s not for everybody, but who it definitely isn’t for is women.  There are very few men who will ever have the opportunity to run a sports franchise, so the best we can do is sit around like dorks dreaming of how we would do it in some fantasy-land bullshit.  While fantasy football is more popular, baseball is superior because the stats actually mean something, it includes every position, and you have to keep track of your team everyday.  It’s math mixed with sports.  Talk about a thing that should turn-off almost any chick on the planet.
• The Ron and Fez Show. There are a lot of radio talkshows that skew towards men, but Ron Bennington is the ultimate host.  He’s smart, profane, and embraces being a man.  He also is brilliantly funny, which being on satellite radio only improves.
• Listening to Sam Kinison’s standup. No one expressed the angst and fury that men feel better than one of the greatest comedians of all-time.
• Massage Parlors.  Hey women have spa’s, why can’t we have a place which takes our stress away?  Talk to women about going to a spa and you will hear them reach a level of orgasmic rapture.  Well, we don’t have much of a need for a pedicure or to be exfoliated, but we could always use a handjob.  Hey spa, I got your facial.  Let’s make the massage parlor the last one, as I like to finish on a happy ending.


Sarah Shahi could help in some of the categories listed above.

*********************************

Here is the first release in awhile from a band that rocks like a mix of Deep Purple, Zeppelin, and Sabbath.  New Moon Rising by Wolfmother.

Greinke and the Douchebag

Exciting day as I had booked my week of comedy around the Sunday day game between the Sox and Royals at newly remodeled Kauffman Stadium.  The park was always the one good-looking stadium done in  the 70’s, but they have now added a lot of great stuff behind the bleacher seats and widened the concourses to the point where it is in the top half again of  places to see a MLB game.

A definite added bonus was that the major’s most dominant pitcher, Zach Greinke was toeing the Trojan for the Royals.  Greinke’s stuff was pretty nasty, considering he was throwing 95, while mixing in 60 mph breaking balls, but the Sox are a really good fastball hitting team, so they hit more solid shots than Zach generally gets hit during 3 games.  The bullpen of the Royals is really bad with Soria on the DL, while the White Sox bully I think is the best one in baseball, as both games last weekend demonstrated. I’m not going to spend time breaking down all the elements of the game, though.  I want to focus on how people can almost ruin a great day.

The weather was beautiful.  Greinke’s on the mound.  My favorite team is playing their best ball of the season.  What could almost spoil it?  Other people.

There is not enough dogshit to put on this hot dog.

One of the people in this photo is the biggest douchebag I’ve ever witnessed at a sporting event.  I will let you guess which one it is.  Now as a reader of this site, you realize that the language here is pretty graphic, as is the content.  That is the way the site is set up.  I like salty language, but there are times when it needs to be brought down a notch.  One place this should hold true is at the ballpark.

I don’t know the age of the offending jackass above, but I’m guessing he was in his mid-20’s.  We weren’t 5 pitches in when the douche was yelling at the top of his lungs about ball and strike calls from the umpire.  As great as the view was from where he was sitting, I was just to the right of him, and there was no way to tell if a close pitch was really a ball or strike.  This didn’t stop this male Summer’s Eve from stepping out in the aisle and yelling Fucking Bullshit!  He reminded me of an 8 year-old who just discovered how much fun it is to swear.  Considering there was a lot of kids surrounding us, Mr. Massengil couldn’t have been a bigger buffoon.

By the end of the first inning, one guy in front of him, who was with his grandchildren turned around and said, ENOUGH.  At this point, I chimed in and seconded the opinion.  The Douche sat back down and proceeded to pout most of the game.  Later though, he did mention loudly, name-dropping like a Hollywood agent that he had done some landscaping for David DeJesus and that he had a great house.  I loved the idea that a white guy was landscaping for a rich Latino.  It didn’t make everything perfect, but it did make me feel a little better about the world.  Oh and the White Sox winning didn’t hurt, either.

*************************

Predictions on Talk shows.
I love Conan, but I’m worried that he’s not the right guy for an 11:30 show.

Jay will do better than expected at 10:00, the problem is the Midwest where Central time starts the show at 9:00.  That is too early for a talkshow.

I would guess that Letterman will have a slight uptick in viewers and Jimmy Kimmel might as well.

Jimmy Fallon has the all-time greatest opening theme in Talk show history.

*************************

If you’re going to make a big ass of yourself, this is the way to do it.

*********************

Just heard this band for the first time on Sirius/XM and they have the dramatic tones of a Coldplay, but with a really interesting vocal difference. Check out the Editors.

It’s ALIVE!!!

I just haven’t felt moved to write anything lately.  I found a decent formula for the site, which I still hope to take advantage of for some type of financial gain (pipe fucking dream?), but I haven’t had the time to make that happen so….I kind of lost interest in posting.

I do plan on being more active again, so if you get a chance, please check in again.

Here are a few things I did want to offer up.

As a White Sox fan I’m becoming more convinced than ever that the statistical metrics have a bias against the team.  Right now Baseball Prospectus’ playoff odds have the team being the least likely team to win the AL Central.  As I mentioned numerous times, sabermetrics underrates relief pitching more than any part of the game.  The Twins, Angels, and White Sox have had excellent bullpens most of this decade and I think this is the biggest reason they overachieve their Pythagorean record.  The first 2 teams I mentioned have had a drop-off in their bullpens, but I believe the White Sox have the best bullpen in baseball.  Add this to them being the only team in the division that could go out and get a quality player to help put them over the top and I just don’t see why they are considered any worse than second (to the Tigers) in the Central.

I will be at US Cellular on BP night this upcoming Tuesday, so maybe I can get some more answers on that one, then.

*********************

I will be at the Sox/Royals game on Sunday, so I can give my high-quality scouting report on Zach Greinke then.

*********************

I was in the front bar of a comedy club last night, waiting to hit the stage, when an obscure Asia music video came on.  I couldn’t even find it on you tube, but it did remind me of one of my favorite WHAT THE FUCK videos of all-time, Only Time Will Tell.  I’m guessing it came out around 1983 and since we didn’t have any pay movie channels, I’m not afraid to tell you I tugged one out to it.  Look, I was 16, so a gymnast doing contortions I believe does not put me any to Catch a Predator list.  While it didn’t spark me on the same level as the J. Geils Band, Centerfold video, it was right there with Rod Stewart’s Infatuation video which featured one of my all-time favorites, Kay Lenz.

*********************

A shot from the movie Fast Walking featuring Kay Lenz.

The Funniest Line You Will Hear about Manny Ramirez

My friend, comedian Dan St. Paul, has the best comment I’ve heard on the

Maybe Manny's been growing his hair out for a reason.

whole Manny Ramirez saga.  Since he was busted using a female hormone, Dan refers to it as that’s just Manny being Tranny.

I’ve discussed before how I’m not surprised by players who have used steroids and how I think most players during all eras were looking for an edge.  Manny Ramirez is 39 and should be past the time where he dominates his competition.  While Manny has always been a great hitter, it is remarkable that he could put together this high of quality performance at such an advanced age.  It really is a great advertisement for PED’s.

I’ve heard the discussion today by some writers who think that Manny will be bothered by wrecking his legacy.  I think too many writers overrate the element of the Hall of Fame for players who grew up poor.  They didn’t dream of being Hall of Famers, they dreamed of playing a game they loved and becoming incredibly rich doing it.  I know this isn’t the romantic notion of the game that many of us fans have for our heroes on the diamond, but I’m guessing it’s the case for a majority of the players who are part of it.

If I was to try to go into really uncharted territory, I would try to guess what is in Manny’s brain. I would offer up that he was just as addicted to the success as the money.  Players like A-Rod, Bonds, Clemens, and Manny, who are supremely talented players without using steroids, want to feel invincible.  Age starts to dilute their powers, but through modern chemistry, they are able to hold on to their prime.  I’m sure it’s a powerful aphrodiasac and one that for some they aren’t able to turn down.

You can call me cynical, because I am, but I don’t expect morality out of my favorite players.  I want them to be the best they can be.  Now that MLB has a real drug-testing program, players need to be smarter than Manny.  It might not have been a good day for Major League Baseball on the P.R. front, but it was a good day for the future of the sport.  Ultimately, he has become the best example of what can happen if you mess with PED’s.  I think we are going the right direction on this thing.

******************************

The funniest baseball sketch since Abbott and Costello is the previously mentioned Dan St. Paul’s take on the first baseball game.

Arguing the Merits of Scott Podsednik

Former Best Damn Sports Show Host, Lisa Dergan.

When you take a sabermetrical approach to Scott Podsednik, it’s hard to see him as a major league player at this point of his career, but let me give you a few reasons why he was a nice pick-up for the White Sox.

• The White Sox have had a ridiculously good record when he starts a game for them.
• He’s been better than Jerry Owens or Brent Lillibridge, their other choices.
• He’s a guy that is well-liked in the clubhouse.
• Most importantly, did you see his wife above.

OK, I realize that there is a lot of luck involved in the games the White Sox have won with him in the lineup, as he’s been below average at the plate and defensively during these games.

The best answer would be having Alexei Ramirez go to center and bring up Gordon Beckham to play short, but I’m guessing the Sox are waiting until 2010 to make this happen.

Being liked in the clubhouse is a pretty weak reason to put a guy on the roster.

You can’t deny the charms of Mrs. Podsednik, though.  I never understood why Best Damn ever let her go, as she was charming, has world-class dimples, and didn’t come off like a fucking ditz.  (According to Wikipedia, she was an art major who speaks fluent Japanese.)  So for that reason alone, time to welcome back Podsednik, even if it might just be for a couple weeks.

Time to hit the showers never sounded so good.

***********************

In honor of the Texas born Podsedniks, how about one of the great underrated bands of all-time, Texas-based The Toadies.  The guitars shred and the lead singer has a spectacular rock voice.  Too bad he looked more like Ben Folds than Kurt Cobain.  Oh and I went away from Possum Kingdom, as that’s the radio hit.

Happy 30th B-Day to Kate Hudson’s Ass

Talk about mudflaps, Kate's sure got-em.

I’ve never been impressed with Kate Hudson’s acting chops, but she has genetically hit the jackpot when it comes to a sweet ass.  If you don’t believe me, just look at Goldie Hawn during her prime.

Bark like a Butterfly.

*******************************

To think I used to watch Kate’s dad every Saturday morning.

This might be the best Beatles-influenced song not done by Badfinger.

The Funniest Photo of the Week

Brooke Hogan is not an ugly woman, but she suffers from me knowing she’s Hulk Hogan’s daughter.

I love it when my younger cousin comes to visit!

She looks enough like the Hulkster that I can’t help seeing her as a young Terry Hogan with a snatch.  She also suffers from the Amazon woman syndrome that some other reasonably attractive girls do.  Brooke always seems to be wearing clothes too small for her frame, which just accentuates her girth.

The other problem I have with her is she is a talentless bleach blonde bimbo who has developed fame off of her old man.  Just another teeny bop reality star who continues to take way more than the 15 minutes she was supposed to get.

Yes I realize that this post just adds to the undeserved fame she continues to get, but I couldn’t get over the photo I saw of Brooke and her boyfriend, some rapper named Yannique.  I got to give my man some credit, though, as he’s with a woman who looks like she could tear him up.  I haven’t seen a more odd looking couple together since Dudley Moore was shagging Susan Anton.  This rapper is the kind of guy that they used to put 3 of in the ring against Hulkamania, just to make it more of a circus-like atmosphere.

I'm old to remember this one.

**********************************

I was mowing the yard and this came up on my Ipod.  One of the best pop-punk bands of the decade.  American Hi-Fi.

A-Rod Dating One of the Real Housekunts of New York City?

The rumor was out there that A-Rod was boning one of the bitches from the vomit-inducing Bravo

This is the Housekunt in question.

show.  Supposedly it isn’t true, but I figure the odds are good, as A-Rod isn’t on the IR for fucking.  The guy seems to be trying to nail every woman who looks like a fitness model.

This piece isn’t about A-Rod, though, it’s about the Bravo show.  As bad as some of these MTV shows are which glorify young, spoiled fucking bitches, it’s 100 times worse when it’s women in their 30’s and 40’s.  Listening to these Housekunts with their whiny New Yawk accents is like a death sentence for my ears.  Really, you don’t have everything in life?  The $150 dollar dinners and outrageous apartments aren’t enough for you extrava-cunts.  Tell that to the majority of us who are struggling to make a mortgage in our decaying suburban track house.  Hey we’re just dreaming of scratching together enough change that we could go out to the local Applebee’s and split an order of Riblets. Oh my life of shopping all day looking for Jimmy Chu shoes has me frazzled.  Well, how bout going like the rest of us to Payless, in between our stops at Dollar General and Big Lots.

Fuck those that think Jerry Springer is the lowest form of television.  The Real Housekunts of New York City is the most vile thing ever shown over the airwaves.

A-Rod during happier days.

*********************************

Here’s a video I dedicate to the Housekunts.  Someone needs to detox these bitches from their consumeristic ways, so here are Rise Against. 

Give Me a Fucking Break with the John Madden Tributes

I’ve spent the past few days listening to a lot of writers and broadcasters give John Madden one

Sporting a hair-do you would see in a Farelly Brothers movie. Remember get Madden Football for your IBM computer.

big stroke after another.  Now I get why his colleagues at NBC are going to be positive, but I’ve haven’t come across any major figure who’s spoken the real truth about Madden.  Here’s a guy who was a fucking joke for at least a decade.  Any real football fan would groan when they knew Madden was doing the game, which was made all the worse because he was the doing the top games.

Madden started off as an enjoyable figure, who brought some real excitement to the broadcast back in the 80’s and early 90’s.  But well before the time this decade was rolling around, he had already become a fucking parody of himself.  There is a reason that of all the great impressions Frank Caliendo does that Madden was the one that resonated the most.  Madden was a goofy buffoon, who rarely offered anything but the most obvious statements.  This was fine for video games, but as NFL fans have become more knowledgeable about the game, Madden became a broadcasting punchline.

I’m glad the guy retired, but it was about a decade too late for us fans who really want a color man

High Five Me, Madden is retiring!

who provides quality analysis.  Madden’s replacement, Cris Collinsworth is the best analyst in all of sports television, so NBC just had a major upgrade to its broadcasting team.  Unlike a lot of other bloggers, I don’t make it a habit of ripping most broadcasters, as I think it’s a harder job than most people understand.  My problem with Madden is that he’s become incredibly famous and wealthy by playing the part of Captain Obvious.  I wish him no ill-will, but the NFL will be better off without him.

*************************************

Here’s a band I just recently caught up with at Emusic.com.  They were called Say Hi to My Mom and now have just cut the name to Say Hi.  Whatever they call themselves they have a cool low-fi, Guided by Voices feel to their music.

Would Someone Write a Nude Scene for Kristin Chenoweth

One of the underrated elements of Aaron Sorkin’s West Wing was all the hot babes he had on the show. They were smart, sexy women. The kind you could discuss politics over dinner with and then fuck all night.  Great combo.  I’m not a Broadway stage guy, so I had never seen Kristin Chenoweth until she appeared on West Wing and I was immediately taken with her.  I’m a sucker for small, but voluptuous women with sweet voices, which puts Chenoweth right at the top in this category.

I read where she has become a bit of a gay icon, from her broadway musicals and work on Pushing Daisies, but I want to declare that this macho, straight stud is also a big fan.  I just wanted to get this off my chest, almost as much as I’d like to see the Tony winner yellow straps above get off her chest.   I know this isn’t the classiest plea, but I just wanted to share my focus for the day.

Oh and let me promote that Ms. Chenoweth has just released an autobiography and also is the voice of one of the characters on Fox’s new cartoon, Sit Down, Shut Up.  Hey, maybe at least her character on that show will do a full-frontal nudity scene in it.  I’m sorry about that last sentence. I’ve been out on the road too long.

**************************************

And now Mr. Noodle’s sister, Miss Noodle.